


The Hat Whisperer

by LemonBubble



Series: Stoner Die [3]
Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-31
Updated: 2012-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-11 03:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/473832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LemonBubble/pseuds/LemonBubble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggs discovers the legendary hat whisperer, only it turns out Die is just high again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hat Whisperer

“No, lissen. _Lissen_ green hat.” Die said. His hat was on the floor and he was sitting in front of it patting it. “You gotta not be jealous. It's... it's not fair. Not fair to me. Because I can't _choose_ between you and I know if... if I don't tell you now. You'll _make me choose._ Because you're a _mean_ hat, and that's why... why... hehehe, fuzzy.”

“Hi Die! Whatcha doin'?” Die stared at the intruder. It was Eggs.

“You're really tall.” he said, still staring. “Holy shit, do you know how tall you are? Like the sky.”

“Uhhh. 'Kay.” Eggs sat down next to Die. “Why you patting your hat?” Die looked back at the hat that he was still absentmindedly stroking.

“Because, it's fuzzy. And he's jealous of red hat and he shouldn't be. You... you promise you won't make me choose green hat.” Die pointed sternly at the hat and paused. He nodded and seemed satisfied with whatever answer the hat gave him.

“Wow, I didn't know you could talk to hats!” Eggs said, delighted. “What's mine say?” He offered Die his hat. Die sat blankly for a moment before slowly grabbing Eggs' hat and rubbing his face on it.

“You even fuzzier hat.” he stopped and seemed to listen. “Yes, is a mean hat. I sorry it said those things to you. Here, I make it better.” Die put Eggs' hat on his own head. It was far too big for him and it slipped down over his eyes. He threw it off, looking horrified. Eggs, watching in utter confusion, picked it up and put it back on his own head.

“So... what'd it say?”

“You hat...” Die said, staring at where the hat had landed and waving a finger vaguely at Eggs. “You hat... nice hat. Very nice hat. Fuzzy.” he stopped and was silent for a minute.

“...and?”

“Oh. And. Uh.” Die frowned with the effort of remembering what had happened two minutes ago. “Uh... oh, she don't like green hat there.” he said at last, prodding his own hat with his foot. “Nice hat but not good for me. Not good not good put me in the dark hat.” Die covered his eyes for a second to make sure Eggs understood and, as he lowered his hands, he stared. “Did... did you ever... have hands?”

Eggs looked at his hands. “Yes? You ok Die? You're acting funny.”

“I'm fiiiiiiiiiine.” Die answered, waving his hands back and forth slowly and giggling at them.

“O... ok.” Eggs looked at his hands again, looked back at Die, frowned at the ceiling, trying to figure out what was going on, gave up and left. Crowbar found him standing halfway down the next hallway looking at his hands.

“Hey, Eggs, you haven't seen Die around have you?”

“Uh, yeah, he was that way a minute ago.” Eggs said, pointing back where he'd come from, still staring at one hand. “He's acting real funny though, asking weird questions about hands.”

“Oh god, he's high again isn't he? I needed him for a job!” Crowbar sighed in frustration. “Was he pretending his hat was talking again?” he asked, stomping down the hall without waiting for an answer.

“Yeah he said...” Eggs looked up from his hands. “Wait, he can't really talk to hats?”

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning: I don't know what is even happening here and I'm too tired to write anything that makes sense.
> 
> Also, I'm still terrible at endings and Crowbar always seems to worm his way into these stoner Die things.


End file.
